The 4 lessons I have learnt from my children

Parenting from Within – Embracing Self-Reflection for Deeper Connections

“If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.” Nelson Mandela 

At the end of the ‘expectant parents’ tour of the maternity ward where our baby was going to be born, Midwife Flo asked us all to raise our hands if we had read any books for new parents. We all put up our hands – confidently, proudly, so pleased with our diligent preparation for becoming parents. She smiled kindly, “I am happy you have done some reading; but let me remind you, your baby has not read a word of any of those books’. Some parents chuckled to themselves; others went silent. I heard her, and held onto her words, tightly. They in fact saved me from going down a very different parenting pathway. It did not take long before I truly understood babies are born with their own wisdom, and a very reliable and accurate means of connecting and communicating. 

I also came to know that listening to my inner voice was the most reliable and effective way to be growing a secure and loving relationship with my baby. I turned down the volume on the noisy chatter around me, and instead, tuned inwards, and found my authentic, even if at times scared and worried, self. I chose to connect with my baby through the language of my heart. 

Over the years, as our two daughters held me and their doting dad to account to being their most dependable people, they became my most important teachers. They taught me that if was going to be the mum I imagined, hoped, I would be – one who enjoyed parenthood, who knew intuitively how to respond to my children’s needs, then, I had to find ways to better know myself. 

My parenting experience was complimented by my many years working in an early childhood leadership role, alongside talented educators and highly invested parents. The hundreds of children who touched my life, because of the stories they brought and shared, fortified my belief that when we show up for our children, hear what they have to say, understand, or in the very least try to understand their communications, we give them the best chance to feel secure; and when human beings feel seen and held and safe, then they are best placed to grow their capacity and develop capabilities to do well in the world. 

These are the 4 seminal life-lessons I learnt navigating the complex responsibilities of raising young children: 

Pieces of us 

As parents we have the responsibility to not only ‘raise’ our children but also to nurture and protect their souls. Each new person is born into a unique family, with their very own genetic signature. We know now that babies are profoundly influenced by their early years encounters; experiences that may in fact affect the expression of their genes, so deeply and discretely, that they are often transferred onto the next generation. Little pieces of our own selves, together with the impact of the experiences we offer are carried through our young children and emerge later, in grandchildren and their children’s children. 

The hugeness of this epigenetic reveal can overwhelm us; it can also motivate us to seriously consider our own span of influence, not only around our children’s development, but also our own; and what informed choices we can make to better support and promote both.

Wisdom begins with wonder

We know that all human babies are born with a survival instinct to bring their primary carers into their fold. They are completely dependent on this connection, and their understanding of the world, and their place in it is shaped by the response of their carer/s. 

As a new parent I came to know and appreciate my baby’s efforts to connect, and the true wonder of being a human began to unfold. With each new stage and age, a new curiosity emerged. I noticed that when I was able to track and engage in my child’s development, I grew wiser, more confident. My learning was personal, and profound. And at the same time, my baby felt seen by my interested eyes, felt loved and adored, and so she became interested in the world, lovable, and adorable. 

Curiosity offers us one of our greatest human qualities; and one that we all benefit from. Sometimes, as parents, we are unsure about how best to engage, what decisions to make, when to step up or step back. It is helpful in these moments to be curious and to ask a question I learnt later along my parenting journey “Am I helping or hurting my child?” – one that encouraged me to use my own life experience, my values and understanding of what is in my child’s best interests to inform my answers. 

Doing human leads us away from being human: 

Our children remind us that it is not so easy to be human. Our wide range of emotions, and deep feelings can sometimes feel like they are getting in the way of an ordinary day; they are intrusive, inconvenient. When we rush, hush, push away, control our instinctive responses, overschedule our days, or ignore the many feelings that bubble up, we diminish our humanness. Children rely on us to guide and provide a safe space for all their emotions to be felt, named, understood, processed, accepted and received.  

As parents this can be daunting and confusing. It took me a long time, but eventually I realised that firstly, it is always better not to immediately react; secondly, I always have a choice of how to respond; and lastly, taking a moment to consider how I was feeling, usually offered me a pretty accurate clue as to how my child was feeling, and what I was needing. And only then did I know how best to support my child through these big emotions. My tired child would benefit from more down-time and rest; my nervous child would feel calmer with a clear plan in place. It worked like a charm!

Our hands are an extension of our heart: 

I intuitively knew that when we hold hands, we are holding heart to heart. This is true of holding the hand of all our loved ones. When we offer our hand to guide a child across the road, or into their new school, and/or use our gentle hands to pat and stroke our toddler to sleep, or wipe away their warm tears, the message is clear for our child: they are safe and they are loved. 

Children notice what it is we do with our hands too – how we put them to work. We write, type and fix, chop and plant; we clap and open, close and hold. We paint and knit, hammer and cut.  Children delight and grow significantly when invited to be involved – to try their own hands at whatever it is we are doing. Whilst our hands are an extension of our heart, children’s hands are the natural, dependable instrument of their developing minds. Our children look to us to know how to be in the world; they follow the details and feel the rewards. The more they practice, the more confident they become. The more confident they become, the stronger their sense of belonging is realised. 

Being human is not neat, not easy, not fully understood, and oddly, may feel harder for each new generation.  If our job as parents is to grow healthy, independent, thoughtful beings, then what matters most, is to take our parenting seriously. We can do this if we trust ourselves; and take care of our own wellbeing. We can do this when we know ourselves, better, and when we know we are not alone. Only then we can parent from our heart. 

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